Day of Pondering

So, yesterday I stayed inside all day except for a trip to Mercadona (local market).  Jake had two classes and was gone for the majority of the day.  However, he did come home for lunch and dinner.  Probably the first day since being here that we ate all of our meals at home.  After living in a hostel/hotel for a week, buying food from vendors has been the routine instead of having a supply at home to cook with. 

As we all know, too much time indoors can eat at you.  Especially when you’ve gotten used to walking, biking, or skating everywhere all the time.  I was trying to put my life together.  Research everything from Spanish courses I want to take, comparing rates, comparing travel scenarios & distances.  I was responding to tons of responses to a little ad I posted about teaching English privately to kids.  Boy, being a native English speaker puts you in high demand.  Who would have thought that my accent could be worth so much! 

But since I don’t speak Spanish responding to simple inquiries is not as easy as it sounds.  Even with Google Translate!  Here’s the process:

-           Write message in English, then translate it to Spanish. 

-          Open new window and a different translation site. 

-          Translate the Spanish translation back to English on different site.  (This is to check that your translated message is actually communicating what you wanted to say… It’s never correct.)

-          Edit the English translation with different word usage in attempt to make message more translatable.

-          Translate edited English message back to Spanish.

-          Translate the new Spanish message back to English and check translation again.

-          Repeat process until satisfied that your message has been translated correctly.  

-          Solution: How about I just learn Spanish!  ;) 

Eventually being cooped up all day inside, I got a little sad.  Starting to overthink what I will do after this year.  I also started researching going back to school myself.  It’s hard when I’m around so many grad students who are younger than me and on a very specific path with a very specific goal.   The choices I’ve made in my adult life have left me with a lot of experiences and a lot of different jobs.  But with no direction, no expertise, a rather random resume, and an academic history that would force me to start all over to pursue the things that grab my heart the most.  I researched grad schools for myself…but for that I should have been pursuing certain crafts with focus and determination for the past 10 years.  I have a hard time keeping the words, “wasted 10 years” from my vocabulary.  Many schools won’t even take second bachelor’s degree candidates.  So the most luck I found in going back to school for the things that tug at my heart were in community colleges for Associate’s degrees.  It hurts thinking that I started on the path for these things 10 years ago, but decided to “leave them behind.”  Then, I was young and far along in my craft for my age.  Now I’m old and having lost all the strides I made when I was young.  I’m interested in so many things, but in the end, the things I chose to walk away from are the things that gnaw at me daily.  It just feels like a race that’s unfinished.  Like I was running with the pack, maybe a little ahead…but because I couldn’t see the finish line or the exact outline of the full course, and because there were a few people faster than me that I compared myself to, I just stopped and made excuses as to why running was not for me…that I would never win anyway so what was the point.  Yet, I miss “running” everyday.  And everyday I wonder what I could have been made of if I would have just kept going.  I could have become an expert runner.  So what if I wasn’t going to “win” the race.  At least I would have been proud that I at least made it to the finish line.  Plus, I would have been darn fit by the end, even more ready for the next race.  Now I’m just out-of-shape and old.  In some cases too old to even sign up for the race anymore.  Makes me sad.  How do I make the longing go away?  This part of me that just feels unfinished and only partially discovered.  

FYI…I’m not talking about running.  J  Though I do like to do that too.   (I always wanted to run cross-country in high school.  Never did.  But no disheartening remorse about that.)

Luckily, I have the best husband in the world, who’s heard this sob story on a weekly basis since I’ve known him.  He never ceases to encourage me.  He pushes and inspires me with tender patience.  He gives me hope and reminds me of where my hope comes from.

This morning, I got back on track mentally and emotionally.  Bonnie came over and took me to breakfast.  So glad to have a local friend to make me excited about life here.  She’s invited us over on Sunday night which will be so nice.  She’s offered to teach me to cook some Spanish meals.  She’s educating me on the best ways to get around town besides just bikes.  She’s encouraged me that taking Spanish courses and teaching English would both be good for me.  She’s invited me to church activities and maybe get involved in ministries.  I feel inspired again to be in the moment, and not depress myself with the past or the future. 

Much happier today.  Now, time to get back to those e-mails and fix lunch for my sweet hubby who is riding home now from his class.  I’ll give more details on Jake’s classes once they get going.  Nothing too exciting yet.   But stay tuned.  J